Grief After Rejection: A Reflection of Faith
by Sis. Cynthia J. Flowers
Copyrighted Material. All Rights Reserved

"…Blessed are they who mourn. …They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength… …Fear not, I am with you … …When your father and mother forsake you, I will take you up… …Those who sow in tears will reap in joy… …I will lift up my eyes to the hills… But You, O Lord are a shield for me, My Glory and the one who lifts up my head."

We often take for granted these foundational scriptures. The loving, encouraging Word of God. Scriptures for our strength. Scriptures to encourage and bless us during times such as this- the death of a loved one. You may ask where all of this is leading. I have been asked to share something on grief since I recently lost my earthly father so what I'm about to disclose should in no means be construed as a pity party nor is it written out of any deep seated bitterness. When I was asked to write about this topic, at first I felt that it was too soon for me, because what I was experiencing had me in a stupor. However, early one morning, several days later, the Lord woke me and placed on my heart the title of this writing. Speaking to my spirit He told me that grief after a life of rejection is different from grief if you've been with that person throughout your life. There are many who've experienced rejection and would need encouragement about their conflicting feelings if someone who'd rejected them dies. He told me not to entertain any guilt about the feelings or possible lack of them I might experience, but to grow from them.

At times I've hurt, other times I've felt nothing. I thought I was having a emotional breakdown and possibly in denial until God ministered to me and reminded me that grief started for me years ago beginning with the death of my mother several days after my birth. A silent ever-present grief mingled with the rejection. I was only an infant when the adversary stepped in and killed my mother, then attached to my father to not only destroy my life but his also. The devil is a liar. I was blessed to have God fearing and loving grandparents, aunts, uncles and extended family members who at an early age infused me with the Word of God and the wonders of His love. "Train up a child."

Although experiencing their love and guidance there was something missing in my life that I sort after in other relationships. The lack of love and nurturing of an earthly father (parent) I later learned was the basis of it all. Yes a nurturing father. I know we always think of mothers as the nurturer, but the father also has that role to fulfill. To nurture and train his children, especially his girls, prepare them for adulthood and in the ways of God. Be an example to the girls of what kind of man to have in their life. Fathers should be a shield and provide cover for you. One of the reasons we address God as our father is because He is our shield.

People express their condolences not knowing a person's history with the decedent and often say, "Hold on to the memories." You receive their kinds words, thankful that they care even though pain often follows those well-meaning words. The truth is if you've been rejected, abandoned or abused you have not many happy memories of sharing your childhood years with that parent. During subsequent years, perhaps you reached out for your father (parent) in numerous ways, but not only was the spirit of guilt holding them back from building a solid relationship, but they may have allowed other factors into their lives which influenced and used that guilt to restrain and control them. Rejection can cause a person to pass into maturity questioning if something is wrong with them and then tend to resolve that emotional baggage through other means that lead to other actions, which sometimes bring about self-destructive results.

You can become overwhelmed with bitterness, low self-esteem, and unforgiveness. You also build up walls to protect yourself. However, when you totally yield your life to God and His Word and be obedient you respond to the command to forgive even though a lot of damage has been done. We often confess we are in Christ, and of Christ, yet sometimes believe to be in Christ and of Christ is to only obtain power to receive money and material things. But it really means to love. We are also commanded to love by Jesus. To love in spite of the hurt and pain. To love even while still being rejected. Your offering of love may not be understood or received by others, especially those who've rejected you, but it can be done and should be unconditionally given. You don't have to blow a trumpet for others to see that you love that person. We can be of service to them in so many areas of their lives always showing and sharing the love of God even though rejected. Tell them you love them until they can respond in kind and receive. To be able to pray for the salvation of a parent who rejects you only can come through the Jesus in you. But it can be done. "...the battle is the Lord's."

When you morn a person who was MIA and whom you are bone of bone and flesh of flesh you can experience emptiness, become lost and drift. Grief after rejection is hard, very hard. You will be plagued with the pest 'if only'. If only the need for help and love through the years were fulfilled; if only you could've spent time with the individual; if only you could've shared your victories as well as your defeats; if only you'd have memories of picnics, dinners, outings during your childhood, teen years or young adult years; if only that familiar face would've been in the crowd at graduations; if only he'd been the one to walk you down the aisle at the debutante ball, or your wedding; if only they'd been in attendance at the football games cheering you on; if only you had a father (parent) to run to for advice and guidance. Watching your fiends have a wholesome relationship with their parents hurt. Watching your parent raise other children hurt. So many 'if onlys.'

Surprisingly, in later years you are perhaps catapulted into a care-giving role of that parent who rejected you. This can only be accomplished through the love of God that is planted in your heart. To love one who rejects is only though the grace and mercy that God shows to us, and knowing that a loving God holds you in the palm of His hand. The hurt and the pain sometimes reaches into your belly and hurts so that words cannot be formalized to explain- the pain of grief for someone who rejected you. To be able to pray for the salvation of a parent who rejects you only can come through the Jesus in you. But it can be done, because "...the battle is the Lord's."

You often mourn the person while the person is still alive. As time passes, joy as well as pain mingles together when you realize that the person, only several months before their death, have come to realize they'd been blessed by God with a loving, special child or children that they would leave behind. You're at a door and when it opens nothing will change what has been in the past. You must now more than ever try to forget those things, which are behind. Or they will destroy you.

After the death of that parent you find yourself waking in the mornings crying and only able to say "Lord have mercy." Some days you feel as if you won't be able to go on and you ask God to strengthen you. However, standing by your side is the Father who never sleeps or rejects you through all of your entire life. We need only to turn around to see Him.

Time starts to pass and now there are new memories mingling with the old memories. Memories of rides to the doctor, visits to the hospital, trips to the beach and having discussions about the Lord, [being obedient to God and asking the person about their salvation] viewing Christmas lights together, visiting friends and extended family, cooking a special meal. Memories of praying with and for that person, and witnessing amazement in their eyes at the realization that they are loved.

Grief would be deep seated and a destroyer if it wasn't for the love and guidance of a heavenly father, and the love of others He allowed to enter your life. The pathway of grief is not easy and you must be thankful to God for His healing and preparation of your inner man for such a time as this. Reflecting back, it is amazing how the preparation gained momentum two weeks prior to his transition. Hearing messages delivered by His generals like Pastors Randy and Paula, Evangelist Jackie McCullough, and Bishop T.D. Jakes. God does minister to you and prepare you.

His ministrations began in the wee hours of the mornings to let me know that something was going on in the spirit realm, several days before his death. The Comforter, Holy Spirit, lead me to every conceivable scripture and reading about fathers and daughters to comfort and guide me. Reminding me that I still had a father one who never sleeps, would never forsake or leave me, loved me and cherished me. The Spirit uttered to me "that every thing would be all right", confirming my obedience to Him that in seeking my father's salvation through prayer and witnessing had been fulfilled. I'm thankful that I was able to express love, the love of Christ, to share with my earthly father who'd been lost without it.

Looking back over the past two years and up to the time of my earthly father's death, I can see the hand of God orchestrating each step of the way. I can see His grace and mercy covering like a blanket, blessing me. The lost of a mother, a child and now a father, who was not a wise or godly man in his life, is a hurting thing. After all the activities are over and the visitors are gone, the calls stopped, the tears still come and the enormity of it all hits you. You smile through the hurt and tears and walk on. An integral part of you is missing and you feel it. Unless another has experienced the lost of a loved one they can be insensitive to the one who is going through. People somehow surmise because you are a child of God it will make the lost easier knowing the person is in heaven. This is a fallacy and untruth. We need to remove these masks of deception. We rest in the Lord true but remember Jesus wept for his friend.

Another healing process has begun in my life to overcome this traumatic occurrence, which makes all other trials insignificant at the moment. Nevertheless, I'm blessed to have a loving heavenly father who has told me, "He'll never leave me or forsake me." I can call out to Him and wrap myself in praise and worship of Him. Able to go to His Word for comfort and I can always say, "Father, I stretch my hand to thee, no other help I know", and hear in my spirit my grandmother singing, "There is a balm in Gilead." One thing I do know, God loves me, there's healing under His wings that no amount of rejection can alter, and in time this too shall pass.

Yes, I have grief, grief for the loss of a person who God intended to be my nurturer and who failed the test. I morn what could have been, but have peace knowing that I did all that I could for them out of love and that Jesus loves me and loved me enough to pull me out of the muck and mire. Jesus cares enough to cover me with His grace and mercy to be a light where there was darkness.

All scripture references taken from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible, Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition: Ps. 3:3; Ps. 27:10; Ps. 121; Ps. 125:5; Ps. 139: 13-14; Isa. 40, 41; Jer. 8:22; Matt. 5:4.

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